Why I Want Rob Zombie To Buy My Film Rights

Rob Zombie... Isn't he?

Mr Zombie is pretty damned polarising. People love him. People hate him. People are confused by him.  People wonder just why the hell he puts Sheri Moon (his wife) in everything he does...

Sheri Moon. Wowzers...

Me? I think he rocks.

I started with House of 1000 Corpses many years ago. It confused me. I didn't like it. I forgot all about it.

House of 1000 Corpses. You know you want to...

Then I watched The Devil's Rejects and I was gobsmacked. This was rock n roll awesome. It was twisted and brilliant and the sound track was superb and there were guns and insanity and crazy dialogue and...

The Devil's Rejects. Not the most tactful of posters...

Then came his Halloween duo. Liked the first a lot. The second confused me. Then I watched The Lords of Salem. Which confused me.

The Lords. Absolutely bonkers...

So I was confused. And I don't like being confused because I like to know why I'm confused or it just gets too confusing.

So I went back to House of 1000 and this time watched it on my projector. The difference was immeasurable. Man, that film is crazy fun! Yeah, it's basically Tourist Trap with balls, but that's a good thing. Visually it's splendid. The sets, the way each shot is filled to bursting point with all manner of stuff, just the way Zombie seems to completely get how a scene should look. By the end I was converted - no more confused, lots of WOOHOO!

So I decided this week to rewatch Lords. Last time I saw it, myself and my good horror buddy sat in silence after somewhat befuddled. What had we just watched? What in tarnation was Zombie doing now? And just WHAT the HELL was that weird mutant dwarf thing with tentacles? And the sasquatch? and just who are the lords anyway? And... well, there were a lot of questions.

The rewatching didn't necessarily answer any of these questions. But it did draw me in. I loved the atmosphere and the general gentleness the film seemed to have (ignoring the completely bonkers witches scenes). Yeah, it did have a feel as though it had at points been made up on the spot, that it was a few good ideas stitched together by some nonsense, but I didn't care. Again, it was beautifully shot. That tiny corridor - how did Zombie make that such a part of what was going on? And Sheri - my god, this part was the moment she actually became something other than Zombie's Fit Wife. She was great in it, better than actually. And the supporting cast, too. The soundtrack - great. The dialogue - cracking. The everything about it - a mixed up, potion of crazy weird darkness to pour into your head and giggle and rock to.

So why do I want the man to bag my film rights? Well, I think Zombie has a certain magic to him. he gets horror. He gets metal. He gets theatre. He loves what he does. He doesn't care what folk think. he's unique. Original. Clever. Arty. Bonkers. Violent. Gifted. And I can't help wonder what he'd do with a horror for a younger audience. Think of the fun he could have...

Zombie, for all the flaws people seem keen to point out, for all the crazy, for all the confusion, is to me a seriously exciting dude behind the camera as well as on stage. Now all I've gotta do is work out a way to get him to notice my stuff...

... Goat sacrifice perhaps...