Friday, 17 August 2012

Chainsaw Love Affair

Tea and biscuits, strawberries and cream, horror and chainsaws. See the connection? It seems that the two go hand-in-hand. And why not? Chainsaws are heavy, loud violent pieces of equipment. They're designed to chew their way through stuff effortlessly. And they're seriously dangerous.

I own a chainsaw. And I admit, here and now, that there's a certain sense of power from grabbing a hold of it and pulling that power cord. And it's not even a very big chainsaw. I can only imagine what it must be like to handle one of the monsters professional loggers use.

The thing is, though, I think there's a problem here. Take, for example, the poster for Rec 3 (below).

Look what we have here, folks! Not just a woman, but a bride, blood-stained, and... CARRYING A CHAINSAW! Well, why not?

I'll tell you why not. A chainsaw is scary. It's brutal. And it's pretty useful when it comes to either felling trees, causing horrific accidents, or slicing someone up who's probably tied down. However, as a weapon? As something you'd choose to grab and run around with, chopping and hacking and ripping and tearing your way to freedom? Er... no.

A chainsaw is heavy and unwieldy. You go swinging one around and you're as likely to slice you're own head off as mash into the chest of your attacker. You might get a lucky hit, sure, but that's the thing here: luck is too much a part of using a chainsaw as a weapon.

There are other problems, too. Chainsaws run out of fuel. And if you happen to stumble upon one, how can you be sure it's got enough to get you through? The blades clog up and stick, which would be rather irritating mid-fight. And, despite the safety features now common to all makes of chainsaw, they're still lethal. Why else do you think the professionals wear helmets, face protection and kevlar? Running around with a chainsaw while wearing a wedding dress might not be your best plan.

A chainsaw looks good on camera. It's a horror icon. It's in too many films to mention (Evil Dead 2, Last House on the Left, and Scarface for example). And I'd like to suggest that we've probably seen enough now. You want to kill zombies? Grab yourself a baseball bat, a spade, something that you can just swing and swing and swing. But leave that chainsaw where it is because you're probably better off without it.


  1. Speaking as a health and safety professional, A chainsaw is a terrible choice for killing zombies. Your average human, sure, but lets look at the real picture when killing zombies with a chainsaw. First of all they can't feel. Your average human sees a chainsaw coming their way and they will run as fast as they can the other direction.
    Wack a Zombie a couple of times they will just keep coming at you. There is no intimidation factor with zombies.
    Secondly, you have high risk ov being infected abd becoming a zombie yourself. Oh no my friends, they don't need to bite you to be infected. The arterial spray from ripping into a zombie with a chainsaw not to mention the blood flying off the chain can enter your body several ways, as mist it can be inhaled , ingested should it fly into your mouth or absorbed if it should go into your eyes.

    Yes Dave you are correct, the chainsaw makes a terrible weapon and should be only used if there is no other option and remember if you are going to be bashing zombies with any blunt object make sure to protect yourself first. Wear your safety glasses, better yet put on a full face sheild. Stay safe out there people.

    Mike Reed
    Health and Safety Consultant

  2. Mike? You made my DAY! I love chainsaws. I LOVE them. I also love: peanut butter sandwiches: land rovers: the idea of going to the USA and spouting great wisdom about the joy of horror: badgers: wigs: mammoths pretending to be james dean: a geezer called "eric" who hunts tiny little people living in Bradford...

    Great post, Mike. YOU RULE. (Now write something for my magazine, or hunt you down...'

  3. My friend, I would love to write for your magazine! With the impending zombie apocalypse it is very important for people to know proper zombie wrangling skills along with the safe operating procedures for the vast and varied implements to take down those decaying minions! Zombies are just the tip of the iceberg!

    My mind is a valuable thing!

    Here is a wonderful idea. You can build a potato canon out of some PVC pipe and glue. What good will a potato be against a demonic creature? Well let me tell you. You replace said potato with silverware and you can blast some knives and forks at any werewolf that may be threatening you or your loved ones. I know you prefer spoons David, but they really are missing the sharp pointy bit to get the job done.

    Most of us know that vampires are not really the extremely good looking monsters that fall in love with teenage girls. They are evil, smelly and will go for your jugular faster than you can blink. Give them a sponge bathe that they will never forget

    Now take that same potato gun and put a sponge soaked with a good quantity of holy water and you will be able to take out any of those blood sucking freaks.

    There are many scary things out there in the dark. We owe it to ourselves to learn the importance of utilizing any of the various implements we have at hand, even if that is a sugar bowl and a teaspoon.

    Have I piqued your interest?

    Have a safe day!!